Balancing my Desire for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but I never felt completely content, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that numerous homosexual males have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Avoid considering about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. One day you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that non-committal encounters suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
